Just Because Someone Is Dead, Doesn’t Mean You Have to Like Them

Or…Speaking Ill of the Dead

“ You should never say anything bad about
the dead, only good. Joan Crawford is dead.
Good. “ - Bette Davis on the death of Joan Crawford

About 10 years ago the father of a friend of mine died. During my friend’s childhood and teen years, his dad had been an alcoholic — most often found at the neighborhood bar. When he was home, he wasn’t very nice. Not to his kids, not to his wife. Like many families who face this plight, my friend’s parents got divorced. His father eventually got sober and lived a pretty decent seeming life in his last twenty years. He made new friends, he remarried. He never quite bridged the gap with his kids, though. He never was able to be accountable for his past actions and re-connect in ways that would have been meaningful to them.

At his funeral, the usual sorts of things rituals took place and the virtues of his father extolled. There were hymns, Bible verses, a nice homily by the priest. At the very end of the service, my friend and his siblings stood up and the oldest brother said, “This is our father’s funeral. Our father was an alcoholic. Though he got sober and many of you knew him in the second part of his life, this was not the man we knew. His was a complicated life…