Member-only story
Death, A Love Story
When a client teaches a therapist about the meaning of life
On December 23, 2019, I received a call from the mother of one of my clients. This client was not a teenager or young adult — a time of life when parents are sometimes involved in their kids’s therapy. This client, Annie, was in her mid-40s. Why was her mom calling?
It may be unusual for therapists to be in contact with family, but that’s not always so for me. As a social worker, I interpret the framework of how we function in our lives in terms of systems: We are individuals, but we are in a family system, a community system, a school system, a socio-economic system, a system of race, a system of gender, systems of government, systems of our bodies. For better and for worse, each system influences the other. We are interdependent. Because of that framework, I bring family into therapy sessions if that seems helpful. I try to facilitate and promote healthy communication, compassion, and also boundaries.
When Annie’s marriage was crumbling in 2016, her parents stepped into a more active role in her life, since she was also the mother of three kids under 6 years old. In the midst of crisis, I’d talked to her mom on the phone before. She and Annie’s father attended a therapy session with Annie on one occasion.
When I answered my cell phone that particular day, I never expected to hear what I heard, “Annie was just diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer.” I could hear the tears and panic in her voice.
“What?” I said dumbly. “Oh, no.”
Annie was a distance swimmer and runner, and an avid cyclist — an active and admirably dedicated athlete. She sometimes complained of aches and pains and minor injuries, but like any athlete, she powered through and kept achieving. She loved that her kids could see their mom as this strong woman. She loved the meditation she felt through the rhythm of the pavement under her feet or the oxygen in her lungs.
I reached out to Annie quickly after getting permission from her mom to let her know that I knew about the diagnosis. Her shock was palpable and her fear was vibrant, but she also clung to her identity as an athlete and a strong mother. “The doctor is hopeful we can get some years. I’m tough, I can take the toughest chemo they have and…” she paused as…
